City full of people

Loneliness and depression are my constant companions
In a city full of people I can't seem to connect
Even my faith has come to seem irrelevant to my human experience
As I've fallen into a pit too deep for Jesus' healing balm
All these smiles and eyes but no expression

Where do you go when you can't hide from yourself
When your demons seem stronger than your will
What do you do when you can no longer hear the echo of your own voice
When gloom weighs you down more than fatigue

In a city full of people I can't find a single look
In a city full of strangers I can't make a single friend
Somehow I can't seem to fit this puzzle
Is it me?
Are these hand holdings an illusion?
Is everyone as broken and lost as me?
Or am I trying to survive on an island that I've built myself?

Where are all these kindred spirits?  
Fellow lost souls?
Can I find them?
Will I ever meet them?
Will I remain forever lost in this city full of people?

How can I be lost in a city full of people?
Am I not human too?

Gloom, despair attach to me like Velcro
Like oil on my skin, they prevent anything else from feeling comfortable
How can I drown myself if I've been taught to swim
Perhaps my only friends are what stand between me and this city full of people

This city full of people
This city full of people
And yet as human as I believe myself to be I am lost
Seemingly to never be found

How is there so much darkness in a city full of lights
So many old stories in a city that promises new 

Definitions

 I want to believe I am who I am for a reason, but I find it harder and harder
In a world full of conflicts
How do we define who we are?
Do our definitions matter?
Or are they simply means for us to quickly reject?

Brokenness

  This is the place where no amount of Jesus, faith, praying, believing feels enough...where your insides are shattering into a million little pieces. Yet still all remains the same. And you wonder how much more you can break before you totally disintegrate into nonexistence.

......the tragedy of the brink between sanity and insanity..how much more can I tell myself "joy is coming, peace is available" when pain is all-consumingly real, darkness is completely binding. The life is suffocating out of me...how much longer I ask myself can I tell myself words that although meant as promises are becoming to seem as lies.

Misery is a constant companion. Loneliness mocks me as I stand in my shattered dreams, unanswered prayers, and hopelessness...the reality of where I am cannot withstand the pressure to lose faith....and the realness of all the despair I am feeling and experiencing feel more real and powerful than any words I hear....how much longer can I resist the waves that want to take me under....?